Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
These work great until they don’t.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat