Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.