Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
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If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Beauty and the Beast
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.