Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
drew a comic about my origin story
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.