Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??