Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic