Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.