Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.