Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR