POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.