Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)