Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sarcasticmommy4

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

@ShipInTheKnight

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

@_kayditty

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

@thetobbie

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

@UnFitz

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

@LocalButtLiker

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

@what_a_messs

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

@QueenVofCoffee

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

@TheToddWilliams

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing