[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
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I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Children of the corn 🌽
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
What a kind woman! 😂😂
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Seas the day!!!!
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more