[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside