*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?