pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
