Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock


Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!


Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.


Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]


[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month


I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.


me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?


If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.


What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating


I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.