Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered