power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
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rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Spa day..😅
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes