*power walks to the refrigerator*
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Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
The real reason evolution started..😂
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.