Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
wish me luck lads
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.