Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Children of the corn 🌽
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”