Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
#dalle2
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”