Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
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I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”