Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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Meow?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?