Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!