Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
The internet is full of many things
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.