Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]