Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.