Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You Might Also Like
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.