*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?