Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Great game to play with friends
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.