Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”