Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
birds and squirrels envy us
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?