Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.