Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You Might Also Like
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd