“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
no cat here
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.