Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You Might Also Like
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms