Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”