Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*