Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.