Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right