Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I’m going to need a moment here.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?