Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Who knew!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …