Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
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St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.