*praying for world peace*
God:
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”