@pleatedjeans

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

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@Love_bug1016

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

@stevevsninjas

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@TheAlexP

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@ColoradoUgly

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@PhilipJFried

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

@fro_vo

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

@xofreckles

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

@Smooheed

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’