[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
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roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?