[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

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“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.


[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol


Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.


I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.


Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already


SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me


You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?


I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’