@Gre_Gone

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

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@JimmerThatisAll

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

@PhilJamesson

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@DanMentos

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

@AnthroBalkans

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@shondarhimes

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

@pauleggleston

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*