Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.