[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes