Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.