Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
This was my dad’s browser history.