Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?