@TheCiscoKidder If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
@Brampersandon_ PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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@TheCiscoKidder 
@nerdcula What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
@noog I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
@joshcomers Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
@Kimgee8 Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
@neoselket Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
@KWalps Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
@iamburtjarvis [in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
@Intelligiant2 Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
@JillianKarger SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer