PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
…żyje?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home