PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?


I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.


Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.


Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.


Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser


Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work


[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?


Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.


SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago


ME: there was so much blood


ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer