Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.