Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life


Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC


obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary


My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.


Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.


Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.


*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter


*pulls pants up


*forgets to poop


When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.


Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.