@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

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@_Mo_lee_

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@rising

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

@ThisOneSayz

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

@Bandersnaaatch

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

@SCbchbum

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@thedad

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.